Blog Archive

Mar 4, 2014

Dog Delivery Denied


I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO PUBLISH THIS LETTER HERE BY A FRIEND.  I HAVE NOT READ IT OF COURSE.  DOGS CAN’T READ.  :
Attention: To Whom it Might Concern at ATAILTOTELL.COM and in particular to Ms. Beth Alboum,

Dear Ms. Beth,
I would like you to reconsider your decision to deliver a dog in your care to Mrs. Joyce l Stillman.  I don't know if you are aware of the fact that there is already a dog living at that address.

First of all, the dog living there, Libby, has no teeth, but she says she can bite.  Second, there is a two hundred pound cat also residing at that address.  Do you know what a two hundred pound cat can do to a twelve-pound dog?



Thirdly, I understand that the animal you are doglivering, namely Colette, is a French Poodle, and there is no one here--I mean there --who speaks French.  The only languages spoken there are Doglish, Catlish (ugh) and Humanlish.  Your dog would have no one to talk to unless she is a very fast learner, which I doubt, considering her age.

I also want you to know that Mrs. Stillman sometimes takes very long naps leaving me--I mean a dog--with nothing to do except pick on other invader dogs if they happen to be in the area.  There is room on Mrs. Stillman’s nap couch for one human, one dog, and one cat; that is it.  There is no more room for another dog.





For some reason, although she herself enjoys the comfort of an indoor toilet, Mrs. Stillman does not afford this pleasure to anyone else.  All other residents are forced to pee, poop, and throw up outside, regardless of weather.  Mrs. Stillman does shovel away snow so that we don’t get buried while peeing, however she is a very lazy person, and I doubt she will shovel away enuf snow for two poops.  She has been known to shovel such a little spot that a dog must turn around a hundred times  in order to poop comfortably.  In addition, there is often a cat (ugh) staring at one when one is trying to poop privately, which I must say is very disconcerting to say the least.

In the interests of accuracy it should also be noted that said cat (ugh) often ignores Mrs. Stillman’s directive, choosing instead to throw up on keyboards, pillows, his own food bowl and wherever he wants.  Said cat (ugh) also secretly steals dog kibble leaving barely a bone (ha ha) left for a dog.  The dog, rightfully, is then forced to steal dry cat food if it is available (not that she minds).

Oh and speaking of room, the kitchen table also has room only enuf for one iPad, one dish and glass, one cat bed, one dog bed and one dog food bowl.  There is not even room enuf for a bowl of dog water.  All dogs must be placed on the floor in order to drink, and often have to wait 2 or three minutes to be replaced on table.  Sometimes days!  So as you can see a second dog would be fated to remain on the floor while the table party goes on.  Worse, that that, the first dog might be floor relegated which might cause the first dog (whoever she may be) to commit suicide!  Yes, SUICIDE!

And, yes, Mrs. Stillman smokes cigarettes, and sometimes other stuff!  Second-paw smoke is very dangerous to adopted dogs.  Also, they might get high on the other stuff.  If I got high, I would probably get so hungry that I might eat other dogs.  Dog knows what the dog living there and the cat (ugh) might do!

Finally, the dog living there is a very jealous dog (not like me) and might be really mad if another dog is introduced into her dogvironment.
Besides that, have you considered how upset Colette might be at having to move up north after being happily settled into your home?  It is very cold up here, sometimes reaching one hundred degrees below absolute zero!  No kidding.  Well with the wind chill factor of course.
And speaking of cold, the dog already living there has only twenty two jackets and sweaters, barely enuf for herself, let alone another dogtruder.


It is for these and countless other reasons that I entreat you to reconsider your dogcision.  Do not foist another dog into this unwelcoming situation.  I will take care of my end.

Yours faithfully,
A Friend.

PS. Please do not use this letter as evidence against dog living there.  She had nothing to do with it.


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