Blog Archive

May 14, 2014

Free to Good Home

Just come in and take her when Mrs. Stillman’s car is not in driveway.
Make sure you pick the one that looks like this picture.  Not me!

No really!  I am just fed up with this little bitch.  Don’t tell me she’s my kid.  No kid of mine could possibly be this pesty, stupid, scaredy catty, pushy, in my wayish!

I don’t know why Mrs. Stillman thought I needed a friend.  I was perfectly cool begging her to take me with her wherever she went, including the bathroom.  She just does not understand me at all.

Okay so I am trying to take a nap, and the kid invades my dogonal space.  Really!  I can’t even tell where I end and she begins anymore.

 Help!!  Please get this dog outa here.  Mrs. Stillman won’t mind a bit.  I promise.

Oh and her name is Sweetie.  How cloyingly saccharin can you get?  Really.  She just thinks she is sooooo cute.  Plus she eats a lot, and tries to sneak my food just because I don’t want it.  Delay is no longer a word in this household.  Eat it or lose it is the modus operandi around here.
I tell you I am an absolute wreck.
Besides, Sweetie says she wants to leave anyway.  No really!  I might be deaf, but I can read minds.  I am sure she has her bags packed already.

So anyway, just come around and pick her up.  Our door is always open!

Yours truly,
Libby Stillman, the ONE and only.

Mar 30, 2014

New Kid on Block

 What a day I am having! No that is not me . 
It’s a kid here who insists she is my daughter, which I strongly doubt  First of all  she is weird looking, not like me. 
She's white on one half and black on the other. Her name is Sweetie but it shudda been Yin Yang.  Ha ha. get it? Ha ha.  Well anywooze,  she asked me if she could  use my Plog to send a letter home. Of course I told her to get her own friggin puppy log. So what did she do? The brat started to cry. Oh great.  Then  Mrs. Stillman got mad at me. Okay,okay,  let the kid use my plog.  But,  just this once.  So here’s her stupid, (and this is the last doggone time anyone else uses my space to write their own doggone stuff because YES, I am annoyed.  Its bad enough I have to watch Mrs. Stillman kiss her ass- Literally!!! - Let alone have her write on my perfect puppy publication)  letter: Please read more:


Mar 7, 2014


FINAL APPEAL *This letter has been amended by a Friend. 

Once again, my friend has asked me to post this letter here,  which I am dutifully doing regardless of my inability to read it.   Also, since some of what she writes seems like doggerel,  I have translated those parts only, for her. 

To whom it may concern at ATAILTOTELL Puppy Mill Rescue:
Today is Friday.  You are about to make a big mistake delivering your pup, Sweetie, to my friend’s mom.

 The following illustrates just some of  what has transpired.  Her mom, Mrs. Stillman, in preparation for her new dog, has been sleeping on the couch downstairs because she will be housebreaking Sweetie, and she wants to be right there to take her out night and day.  (Also, that is where Netflix is but I’m pretty sure it is the former.)

Anyway, because she is now downstairs, three new tenants have surreptitiously occupied the rooms upstairs.  And here lies the danger to Sweetie!

1. A two thousand pound gorilla has taken the first bedroom.  While he is in general a vegetarian, he has been known to attack little parti poodles because the AKC finds them unfit for display.  (The ass holes) 

2.     In the second room lies in wait a giant tiger.  (Ugh)  Need I say more?

3.The tub in the upstairs bathroom now holds a whale!  YES!  A killer whale!  I don’t think the color kinship between sweetie and said whale will be enough to protect her.  I know it wouldn’t be enuf to protect me.  (Oops I mean my friend)

The art studio, thankfully, remains empty.

My friend says the only way to get rid of these interlopers is to get my mom oops,...I mean my friend’s mom to move upstairs again.  That will be difficult anyway, regardless of Sweetie, what with the Netflix and everything.

So, for these and the other reasons mentioned in my previous appeal, I entreat you to reconsider your dogcision about sending Sweetie into this dangerous situation.  And don't worry; I will get my friend’s mom to return the extra orthopedic dog bed, travel crate and dog poop training system with imitation grass (washable) to the store.  She can keep the other stuff because my friend says she can use them, especially the twin jackets.  (She’s a clothes hound).

Yours repupfully,

Addogdum: I wish to thank you for making this second appeal superfluous since you have, as per Libby’s..I mean my request, postponed your surrender of Sweetie to an untenable situation.  Please don’t give her or any other dog to Mrs. Stillman in the future.  I will help Libby take care of the gorilla, tiger and whale ASAP. 
Thank you for helping out my friend, Libby.

P.S.  Could you send me the vitals on the other parti-colored poodles, not because I want one, but because I am doing ummm, research.  I promise not to tell my friend's mom about it.

Mar 4, 2014

Dog Delivery Denied

Attention: To Whom it Might Concern at ATAILTOTELL.COM and in particular to Ms. Beth Alboum,

Dear Ms. Beth,
I would like you to reconsider your decision to deliver a dog in your care to Mrs. Joyce l Stillman.  I don't know if you are aware of the fact that there is already a dog living at that address.

First of all, the dog living there, Libby, has no teeth, but she says she can bite.  Second, there is a two hundred pound cat also residing at that address.  Do you know what a two hundred pound cat can do to a twelve-pound dog?

Thirdly, I understand that the animal you are doglivering, namely Colette, is a French Poodle, and there is no one here--I mean there --who speaks French.  The only languages spoken there are Doglish, Catlish (ugh) and Humanlish.  Your dog would have no one to talk to unless she is a very fast learner, which I doubt, considering her age.

I also want you to know that Mrs. Stillman sometimes takes very long naps leaving me--I mean a dog--with nothing to do except pick on other invader dogs if they happen to be in the area.  There is room on Mrs. Stillman’s nap couch for one human, one dog, and one cat; that is it.  There is no more room for another dog.

For some reason, although she herself enjoys the comfort of an indoor toilet, Mrs. Stillman does not afford this pleasure to anyone else.  All other residents are forced to pee, poop, and throw up outside, regardless of weather.  Mrs. Stillman does shovel away snow so that we don’t get buried while peeing, however she is a very lazy person, and I doubt she will shovel away enuf snow for two poops.  She has been known to shovel such a little spot that a dog must turn around a hundred times  in order to poop comfortably.  In addition, there is often a cat (ugh) staring at one when one is trying to poop privately, which I must say is very disconcerting to say the least.

In the interests of accuracy it should also be noted that said cat (ugh) often ignores Mrs. Stillman’s directive, choosing instead to throw up on keyboards, pillows, his own food bowl and wherever he wants.  Said cat (ugh) also secretly steals dog kibble leaving barely a bone (ha ha) left for a dog.  The dog, rightfully, is then forced to steal dry cat food if it is available (not that she minds).

Oh and speaking of room, the kitchen table also has room only enuf for one iPad, one dish and glass, one cat bed, one dog bed and one dog food bowl.  There is not even room enuf for a bowl of dog water.  All dogs must be placed on the floor in order to drink, and often have to wait 2 or three minutes to be replaced on table.  Sometimes days!  So as you can see a second dog would be fated to remain on the floor while the table party goes on.  Worse, that that, the first dog might be floor relegated which might cause the first dog (whoever she may be) to commit suicide!  Yes, SUICIDE!

And, yes, Mrs. Stillman smokes cigarettes, and sometimes other stuff!  Second-paw smoke is very dangerous to adopted dogs.  Also, they might get high on the other stuff.  If I got high, I would probably get so hungry that I might eat other dogs.  Dog knows what the dog living there and the cat (ugh) might do!

Finally, the dog living there is a very jealous dog (not like me) and might be really mad if another dog is introduced into her dogvironment.
Besides that, have you considered how upset Colette might be at having to move up north after being happily settled into your home?  It is very cold up here, sometimes reaching one hundred degrees below absolute zero!  No kidding.  Well with the wind chill factor of course.
And speaking of cold, the dog already living there has only twenty two jackets and sweaters, barely enuf for herself, let alone another dogtruder.

It is for these and countless other reasons that I entreat you to reconsider your dogcision.  Do not foist another dog into this unwelcoming situation.  I will take care of my end.

Yours faithfully,
A Friend.

PS. Please do not use this letter as evidence against dog living there.  She had nothing to do with it.