I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO
PUBLISH THIS LETTER HERE BY A FRIEND. I
HAVE NOT READ IT OF COURSE. DOGS CAN’T
READ. :
Dear Ms. Beth,
I would like you to reconsider your decision to
deliver a dog in your care to Mrs. Joyce l Stillman. I don't know if you are aware of the fact
that there is already a dog living at that address.
First of all, the dog
living there, Libby, has no teeth, but she says she can bite. Second, there is a two hundred pound cat also
residing at that address. Do you know
what a two hundred pound cat can do to a twelve-pound dog?
Thirdly, I understand that the animal you are
doglivering, namely Colette, is a French Poodle, and there is no one here--I
mean there --who speaks French. The only
languages spoken there are Doglish, Catlish (ugh) and Humanlish. Your dog would have no one to talk to unless
she is a very fast learner, which I doubt, considering her age.
I also want you to know that Mrs. Stillman
sometimes takes very long naps leaving me--I mean a dog--with nothing to do
except pick on other invader dogs if they happen to be in the area. There is room on Mrs. Stillman’s nap couch
for one human, one dog, and one cat; that is it. There is no more room for another dog.
For some reason, although she herself enjoys the
comfort of an indoor toilet, Mrs. Stillman does not afford this pleasure to
anyone else. All other residents are
forced to pee, poop, and throw up outside, regardless of weather. Mrs. Stillman does shovel away snow so that
we don’t get buried while peeing, however she is a very lazy person, and I
doubt she will shovel away enuf snow for two poops. She has been known to shovel such a little spot that a
dog must turn around a hundred times in order to poop
comfortably. In addition, there is often
a cat (ugh) staring at one when one is trying to poop privately, which I must
say is very disconcerting to say the least.
In the interests of
accuracy it should also be noted that said cat (ugh) often ignores Mrs.
Stillman’s directive, choosing instead to throw up on keyboards, pillows, his
own food bowl and wherever he wants.
Said cat (ugh) also secretly steals dog kibble leaving barely a bone (ha
ha) left for a dog. The dog, rightfully,
is then forced to steal dry cat food if it is available (not that she minds).
Oh and speaking of room,
the kitchen table also has room only enuf for one iPad, one dish and glass, one
cat bed, one dog bed and one dog food bowl.
There is not even room enuf for a bowl of dog water. All dogs must be placed on the floor in order
to drink, and often have to wait 2 or three minutes to be replaced on
table. Sometimes days! So as you can see a second dog would be fated
to remain on the floor while the table party goes on. Worse, that that, the first dog might be
floor relegated which might cause the first dog (whoever she may be) to commit
suicide! Yes, SUICIDE!
And, yes, Mrs. Stillman
smokes cigarettes, and sometimes other stuff!
Second-paw smoke is very dangerous to adopted dogs. Also, they might get high on the other
stuff. If I got high, I would probably
get so hungry that I might eat other dogs.
Dog knows what the dog living there and the cat (ugh) might do!
Finally, the dog living
there is a very jealous dog (not like me) and might be really mad if another
dog is introduced into her dogvironment.
Besides that, have you
considered how upset Colette might be at having to move up north after being
happily settled into your home? It is
very cold up here, sometimes reaching one hundred degrees below absolute
zero! No kidding. Well with the wind chill factor of course.
And speaking of cold, the dog already living there
has only twenty two jackets and sweaters, barely enuf for herself, let alone
another dogtruder.
It is for these and
countless other reasons that I entreat you to reconsider your dogcision. Do not foist another dog into this
unwelcoming situation. I will take care
of my end.
Yours faithfully,
A Friend.
PS. Please do not use this
letter as evidence against dog living there.
She had nothing to do with it.
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